The Leadership Community

It seems to be a week for getting leaders emails. One of the best things I have ever done was a course called 'The Undefended Leader' run by Simon Walker who runs 'The Leadership Community'.

Here are his thoughts.

"Simon Says



‘People rarely remember what you say, they sometimes remember what you do, but they always remember how they felt’.



Why does that observation ring so true? After all, when you think it about, it seems a bit absurd. We speak to convey our meaning; it’s our words that communicate surely? What is it then, that makes our words so ineffective, so unmemorable? Why are our precious insights so easily discarded by those we share them with?



One of the reasons is that studies suggest, when we listen, we filter what we hear and eliminate what does not fit with our existing frame of reference. It’s one of the ways we cope with the sheer complexity of the world, the amount of data we are bombarded with. In short, people don’t hear what we say, they hear what they expect us to say. Our valuable observation may simply be overlooked because of this cognitive blind spot.



But, perhaps even more important, is the fact that it is our emotional and not cognitive memory that really makes the deepest and most lasting etches of our experiences. On the Undefended Leader course we look at the way the brain processes experiences; cognitive experience is retained in the hippocampus and emotional experience in the amygdala (or the hippopotamus and the anyglypta as someone on a course renamed them recently). The memory trace in the hippocampus, which retains the story, the narrative, the meaning of the event, is quite readily lost- it erodes quickly. On the other hand, the emotion, the feelings and sensations we experienced, are retained in the amygdale and stored away as a deep memory.



‘People rarely remember what you say, they sometimes remember what you do, but they always remember how they felt’.



We put a lot of energy into communicating to people what we mean; but ought we to be as dedicated to how we are making people feel?



The messaging signals here will be to do with the following: whether we smile or not, our tone of voice; our body language, how interested we are in them, our ability and willingness to empathise with their feelings, frustrations, fears, our compassion, patience, kindness. Of course, equally, people will long remember the hostile signals we may also give off; dismissiveness, impatience, aggression, frustration, insubordination and so on.



Apparently how we say things, is as important as what we say; style matters as much as substance.



As you reflect on the week that’s past ask yourself these three questions:



· How have I made the people I have dealt with this week feel?

· Is there anything I can do now to make them feel more positive (send a supportive email, make a quick phone call, get a colleague a coffee, remember a birthday).

· Are there meetings coming up next week that I need to think about now so that those I meet with will come away feeling supported?



Final thought: If my emotional behaviour is mere facade, performance, and does not come from a genuine place of generosity, it will quickly ring hollow like a clanging bell."